berlin
still trying to figure a way to get to berlin in may to see joe, jessica, and ian. margaret is going to be there too so i have to go then, the weather is going to be so nice and having 4 friends there is a reason to kick myself into gear and get there.
the idea of getting out of here right now seems so appealing. maybe its becasue i am at a creative low, i havent been doing much and its really getting me down. maybe i'm a bit depressed for various reasons, the weather, relationships, etc...a creative slump is in the mix of that too, for sure. i feel like getting out of here will give me a fresh perspective, or at least i hope so...at least for the time i am away, if it happens at all. being on a low budget and having no credit cards or debt is very relieving but at the same time i sometimes wish i could just charge my worries away and transplant myself into another country where only a select few know my name.
going to london over christmas and my birthday was kinda like that. i only knew todd, i barely knew todd. he took me under his wing and let me stay with him for 2 weeks. i had keys to come and go, and i gradually met his great friends who made me feel a certain comfort i've had to gather for years here in new york. in a way it was so nice to not know anyone there, to not understand all the current dilemmas they were in and how they got there because i had no idea who they were talking about. i just sat back and sipped my drink, danced a bit, until one of those nice people asked me questions about myself. being here, i sometimes hate walking down the populated streets in my neighborhood, or in the city. i almost always hate running into people i know unless theyre a close friend. riding the train i see people i know but cant remember. i have a tendency to forget most people, which is probably best anyways. not that i have any enemies, i just don't care to notice who is walking down the street and in the few instances i do, it just makes me uncomfortable. maybe its just because i hate small talk. like at work when i'm supposed to say "thanks, have a nice day" or whatever. you know the people leaving the store arent going to even hear it, therye just going to nod and go on their way.
lately i've been seeing his ex on the platform after work without fail. on the R/W at ten past seven. although she is a twin, and i can't really tell the difference so maybe it isn't her. and the other day i saw someone i'd rather forget, while i was waiting in line for the inexperienced cashier to let me on my way.
i kinda miss the empty feeling london gave me. i liked having todd's friends be my friends for 2 weeks. getting looks from everyone for being the "unknown girl in the crowd".
i hope going to berlin works out.